26 February 2012

Back to work

huh so fast?

I'm going back to work tomorrow. The arrangement (for now) is half-days for 2 weeks before resuming full days. My company has the most fantastic HR.

The two weeks half day is for all of us to adjust..

Joy Joy:To slowly get used to me not being around for some time each day but to let her learn that I'll be back each time.

Grandma: To slowly allow her to realize that she's losing her freedom close to absolutely but gaining the affections of a uber cute baby. And to try and work out a way to manage Joy Joy for half days first.

Me:To make it less sad for me to slowly see lesser and lesser of my baby (read: manage withdrawal symptoms). And to get used to going back to work half days at a time before i move to full days. Afterall, I haven't worked in about 5 months.

I went back home to get my work clothes today. I can fit and finally do not look so much like a zombie in them. Happy news.

24 February 2012

Nursing Strike

I was unprepared and uninformed. Totally taken by surprise shock.

After her vaccinations consisting of 2 injections and one oral dose, the little girl went on a nursing strike which lasted (hopefully) 2 sleepless days.

She cried and cried and rejected my breast when it was time to nurse and rather we hugged her to sleep than have milk. Makes it worst that she rejected milk in a bottle as well. So basically, I my mission in life was to get her to have some milk. Any amount, in any way.


She wouldn't let me carry her horizontally either. Only vertically, with her head resting on my shoulder. And she wouldn't let me sit down. So it was 2 nights of walking up and down the room, not understanding what happened and getting really worried because she was intaking anything. All these on top of the usual vaccination woes.

I tried eveything my tired brain could think of to no avail, did some research on my phone and realised what it was.

It took 2 days of tight (vertical) hugs and I believe it was a combination of the vaccination + possible ear infection. She's been having a blocked nose for weeks. Since before Lunar New Year. And I informed the nurses before her vaccinations but did not know the implication.

And this is a except from the ear infection bit for the Daddy to digest:

"Keep your baby away from all tobacco smoke.

Researchers have concluded that kids whose parents smoke are more likely to get ear infections and have hearing problems.

Children living with a smoker have a 37 percent higher risk of middle ear infections and hearing problems and a 62 percent higher risk if the mom is the household smoker. Kids are also 86 percent more likely to receive surgery for their middle ear problems when their mothers smoke, compared with children who have no smokers in their household.

Even a weekend spent in a house with a smoker can significantly harm a baby and raise his chances of getting an ear infection. Tobacco smoke seems to suppress the immune system, making it more difficult for your baby to fight off infection. Don't let people smoke in your house, and keep your baby out of smoky environments."

Hello Daddy, look at this too:

23 February 2012


It was very difficult for me to write about this, especially the last part of it. The irreconcilable differences. But it is present and I feel that one has got to be authentic. At the very least to ourselves.

There seem to be more peace in the surrender than there would be in the fight. But I am increasingly and constantly not at peace with myself.

22 February 2012

One is enough

Before we had Joy Joy, it never occurred to me that the differences in caring for a young infant can be so great across generations. In fact, when i knew that grandma was willing to take care of Joy Joy when I returned to work, i trusted in the arrangement and was happy about it. Until I saw for myself what "take care" means to Grandma. Parents in her times simply didn't have the concept or nurturing their young, all they do is give them the basics and get by. I can't bridge this gap at the moment although Daddy doesn't seem to think that it's an issue. It can only be solved with willing communication and mutual learning. Which is totally lacking. Because of our huge egos.

We don't have the living space for one child, much less another. A child needs room to play, explore, learn and most importantly, sleep in. And a home should have space to house it's member's belongings. For example, I would like a space for Joy Joy to have a play yard without feeling like I have stepped on a land mine because it is seen as something that would clutter up the house in a household that is obsessed with cleanliness. It can only be solved when we get our new place. I am waiting eagerly for 2015 but can only hope not to be disappointed by other issues when we finally have our own place.

Most importantly, I don't think we have a good environment for a child to grow up in. I don't want my children to grow up in this environment. Always bickering. Always penny pinching. Backstabbing. Gossip mongering. Believing in old wives tales. Not understanding the joy of life other than going through each day "behaving" herself in the traditional way. Always having to find some way to convince / satisfy others about why it is right or wrong to do something and being subjected to all sorts of funny opinions, some factual, some conjured out of imagination on all sorts of things. Being forced to live in the past, down to measuring units, when the future is already here. Having opinions forced down your throat. I don't know. I feel depressed living this way. It's like my life is over. This one can't be solved.

So one beautiful baby is enough.

19 February 2012

How rocky is the way..

I felt like this for the longest time.

I resent and feel extremely depressed about many issues which seem impossible to resolve. Still do. Nothing seems to help it.

Motherhood hasn't been a walk in the park for me but Joy Joy is the loveliest baby I've ever known.

Now I just wish she would grow up quickly and be able to walk and talk to me.

And I wish we had our own space.

And I wish for one whole day of sleep. Such a luxury.

Great Grandma's birthday

It's still very stressful / tiring to me to bring Joy Joy out..I end up being cranky and totally exhausted. Alone or otherwise.

But I'm so glad I did...so many people love the little one.

From the grandma <3 ...

My lovely little girl..

14 February 2012

I'll wipe your tears and warm your cheeks

She woke up crying close to midnight for her usual feed so I nursed her and changed her diapers.

Whilst I was changing her diapers, i wiped away the tears she had in her eyes and she smiled very brightly at me and this feeling brimmed up inside me. I love her so much.

When she was nursing I wished her a happy valentine's day and told her I've already asked Daddy to shoot the IC who planned his reservist schedule to have a night shooting tonight that Daddy won't be with us on valentine's day but he's missing Joy Joy badly. And she answered me with a "hmm". I told her "mummy loves you very much". And she answered me with a "hmm". Coincidence or not, it was extremely endearing. And I just love her so very much.

Then we got to the lying on me part of our usual night nursing sessions. Where she lies on me chest to chest and I get to do whatever I like to her kiss her eyes / nose / forehead / head, bury my face in hair to take in all the baby goodness, massage her shoulders and back and hug her tightly chest to chest. My favorite part of our nursing sessions.

This time I noticed her great baby cheeks were cold from the fan blowing at her, so I used my mummy hands to cup her cheeks and make them warm again. I feel so close to her.

Then it struck me.

One day, someone might break her heart on Valentine's day. Come that day, or any other day she is heartbroken / exhausted / down, I'll hug her tightly, wipe away her tears and warm her cheeks. Just like on her very first valentine's day.

(This is just me being emo. Daddy is more emotionally underdeveloped. If someone breaks my Joy Joy's heart on Valentine's day, he'll just break his legs. )

13 February 2012

And the two babies sleep...

This is Daddy demonstrating his way of soothing Joy Joy to sleep. He whistles three times and blows bad breath on her eyes once whilst hugging her close to him and rocking gently. And for some reason, he likes to do it in that particular spot in the room.

Joy Joy gets lulled to a sleepy mood and she closed her eyes because Daddy is blowing wind into her eyes. The result is a baby who finally falls asleep.

I was lying on one side of the bed yesterday and Daddy was soothing Joy Joy on the other when he smiled in a silly way, looking at a sleepy Joy Joy and he said to me "how many times can I hug my daughter in my arms and help her to sleep." The look on his face was full of bliss.

The other night Joy Joy was unable to sleep for some reason and Daddy persevered in soothing her to sleep. From my observation, Joy Joy was probably asleep in 30 minutes or less but Daddy held on to her for something close to an hour or more.

After I helped him put Joy Joy down in her playpen an exhausted Daddy crashed beside me in bed and mumbled with his eyes closed in the most hilarious way.."mummy you know I love joy joy very much. My hand very painful but I know she's very tired and want to sleep.. So when she move, I hug her closer to me.. When she move i hug her closer to me.. Until she sleep"

"now my hand very pain. really very painful. I'm so tired... I'm going to sleep..."

And then I heard snores...

09 February 2012

I love you come rain or shine

I think anybody will feel helpless if then witness how hard Joy Joy cries. She cries with abandon. Loud and pitiful with huge drops of tears streaming down her cheeks. You'll do anything to calm her down. It is extremely stressful for her caretaker, especially if you love her.

Today I've been notified to look for another caretaker for her after i start work if I object to using sarong for her.

As you know, I object to potentially causing injury to a child for the convenience of the caretaker. It will be too late to say sorry to me if something happens. And something is likely to happen if the level of attention is what I have witnessed so far.

We take care not to put our glassware at the edge of a table or do anything that could cause damage to our possessions but why do we not take the same theory and apply it to caring for a baby?

I also have a problem with the definition for what is a obedient child and what is not.

Self entertain, fall asleep by herself after playing by herself, fun to play with when you have time = obedient.

Crying from an unchecked wet / soiled diaper, crying from exhaustion, crying from hunger = not obedient.

Is that right?

Love can drive us in different directions, even if it is the same or closely similar thing to begin with.

When one is unable to help a loved one, it is natural to feel helpless, frustrated, stressed out, irritated and even defensive if you feel like you are being judged for it.

At first, there isn't enough milk, then the weather is too hot, then it is too bright in the day, then its my fault for spoiling Joy Joy and I can't remember what else. What if Joy Joy doesn't like the sarong? Any more excuses?

Blame it on the dog. Blame it on everything else except the fact that you are unable to handle it right away. Being defensive and unable to face the fact is not going to help. The old is not always wiser, is not always right.

There will always be limited resources in life and some things, like looking after a baby, need time, patience and the heart to do it well. It depends on what is your priority now. Grocery shopping or laundry or cooking or TV Joy Joy?

But then again other available resources need to be willing to help. Which is another story for another day.

And lastly, but most importantly, it is whether you believe that a child should receive this kind of attention and care or not. If it is consider "bad" for a child to receive this level of care, there's really nothing much I can do or say. It must be as difficult to change such a thinking as it is to change my thinking that we should give a child quality care and attention. Afterall, I staked my own life to give birth to her.

At the end of the day, it's all about expectations.
I cannot expect anyone else to love Joy Joy as much as I do.
I love her when she's smiling.
I love her when she cries.

And with Joy Joy I can safely say..

She'll love you with all her heart if only you'd love her with all of yours.

05 February 2012

Motherhood is a race against time

I enjoy it most in the middle of the night, right after she gets drunk on milk. By then, she gets too intoxicated to care and I hold her by her bum and her neck before gently putting her on my body, tummy to tummy.

I can smell her hair, kiss her forehead, touch her face, pat her back and hug her tight. And I can feel her breathing. It feels like every part of her tiny ecosystem is in sync with mine. And she always makes those cooing sounds... makes me hug her tighter, afraid that she will grow up too quickly for this.

I can calm her down immediately if she twitches and make sure she is throughly asleep before I put her back to bed. We get a good burp and are not disturbed by her Moro reflex. I like.

The only downside was that i had to figure out how to get up from bed and not affect the koala baby. Difficult with a caesarean wound but do-able with practice.

I probably can't do this for too long but I'm gonna savour every minute whilst it lasts.

04 February 2012


Joy Joy, 你要怪就怪Jiahao叔叔... 是他说你像的...



尿布湿了。。。睡不着 T.T


喝完奶。。。。还是睡不着 T.T

跟 zZz monster 奋斗了几个小时,有点昏昏沉沉的。。。

折腾了一个上午...zzZ monster 终于征服了我!
Sleep Monster 1, Joy Joy 0


- 十五分钟后 -




Daddy's heart is here

4 days in Indonesia, 4 days in China and the rest of the 3 weeks on reservist = a very joy (pun intended) deprived Daddy.

He was on wait list for a 5pm flight from Indonesia back to Singapore (which would give him precious time to have a home cooked meal and be with his Joy) but it was full and end up Daddy's flight back from Indonesia landed close to 10pm today, by the time he reached home, it was close to 11pm and he needs to rush for a 1.15am flight to China. Very very rush. I had to standby his clothing and luggage and together, we packed for a -8 degrees trip to China in 20 minutes.

Whilst waiting for his flight, Daddy was texting me. He said he read my last post and felt very sad because he doesn't have enough time with Joy Joy. T.T

Joy Joy, who usually sleeps through the night now (i.e sleeps for a stretch of 5 hours at night.. I know, lucky us) woke up unexpectedly just as Daddy reached downstairs. Talk about telepathy..

First thing Daddy did when he reached home was to carry Joy Joy and plant hundreds of kisses on her chubby cheeks. His heart must be aching from missing her terribly.

The picture's blur, but it doesn't matter at all. Isn't it?

When Daddy reached the airport
I texted him to say I put in a scarf in his luggage just in case and he replied to say he missed me and Joy Joy already.

T.T ... Luckily Daddy also said he missed me. The Daddy has always been quite smart...

01 February 2012

Claiming our rewards

Chanced upon this when I was random kaypo-ing on FB whilst nursing Joy Joy.

All along I've been feeling the immense stress of taking care of a fragile human being. It is stressful but I have been rewarded as well.

What about Daddy? How has he been feeling?

The other day, I overheard him talking to Joy Joy and he said something like "Joy joy papa love you very much... I gave up everything for you.." hmmm.. Gave up everything means what?

When i was recovering from delivery, Daddy put his job aside for me because i was really not doing well. And now that I am better, he's been putting his focus back to work because it's audit season.

Most days he'll come back visibly tired but his face will always light up for Joy joy. He'll open the room door and ask to kiss Joy Joy if she's sleeping. Or he'd burp Joy Joy / change her diaper / play with her before going back to his daily games / surfing / tv and we spend a little time together before he foes back to his stuffs and i go back to Joy Joy. Typical.

I think he has too little time with his reward.


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